The Birch of the Luck

Jewell Rae Jeffers: Year of the Rat: Nutritional Guidance for the 2008 Presidential Election: Dropping Biscuits, Not Bombs with John & Cindy McCain

Dear Cindy,

Steal this recipe. Call it an “Old McCain Family Favorite” if you please, a Sunday morning staple that John’s grandmother lovingly patted out on a flour covered biscuit board. Your recent “recipe-gate” fiasco, in which you allegedly appropriated a recipe off The Food Network website and called it your own, inspired me to created these Cheddar-Chive Drop Biscuits to honor you and your husband. And, I’ll admit it, they’re specifically crafted to keep the peace by silencing every critical pie-hole that’s been tearing at the fabric of the good McCain name. Even more so than oil, food is the most politicized commodity on the planet. It ought not be reserved for the elite recipe makers. Food is for everyone. Food is freedom. Food is as American as democracy. And sharing/borrowing/stealing recipes is grassroots ingenuity. I had no idea The Food Network was so…unpatriotic. Shame on them.

For his service to our country, specifically during the Vietnam War, Senator McCain deserves the utmost respect. And for standing by his side while he lobs ideas like “100 years in Iraq” you do, as well. In the unlikely event that Senator McCain becomes our next commander in chief you’re both gonna need these fiber-rich, senior-friendly biscuits to survive it. If you thought war was hell, wait until you see what the White House Press Corps has lined up!

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Cindy, I invite you to fight fire with fire and drop biscuits, not bombs. There’s no better way to surprise the masses than by turning from warmongering to biscuit baking. These drop biscuits can keep the peace stateside and abroad. You whip up a batch for Muqtada al-Sadr and I’ll bake up a dozen for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Let’s wage a campaign to end the Iraq war and nip the looming Iranian conflict one biscuit at a time. Together we’ll show the world how to win a lasting peace right from the kitchen counter. It was either Jesus Christ or my grandmother who said, “Y’all know when you’re busy feeding people you don’t have time to make war.”

Cheddar-Chive Drop Biscuits

1 cup unbleached white flour 1 cup whole wheat pastry flour 4 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon sea salt 6 tablespoons butter, softened 2/3 cup buttermilk 1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese 1/4 cup fresh chopped chives dash of cayenne pepper

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Sift dry ingredients together into the bowl of a stand mixer. With a paddle attachment, incorporate butter, buttermilk, cheese and chives until just blended. Do not over work dough. Drop dough by large tablespoons full onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake for 12-15 minutes, until golden brown. Serve immediately with organic unsalted butter. Makes 10 or 12 amazing biscuits.

I suggest pairing these Cheddar-Chive Drop Biscuits with an early morning, strong coffee, and The Jimi Hendrix Experience’s 1967 classic LP “Are You Experienced?”. These biscuits are known to produce feeling of deep relaxation and euphoria similar to that of 60’s era THC-laden baked goods. While these Cheddar-Chive Drop Biscuits are completely legal, they should be enjoyed like marijuana and Republican presidents…in moderation.

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